I’m Courtnee. I talk a lot, write a lot, take pictures, screw with computers, and make stuff.
I grew up in Sacramento, spending most of my tortured adolescence online, on drugs, waiting for the next DEFCON. I dropped out of high school to work at KFC and spend my paychecks on Nirvana bootlegs, soon to succumb to the allure of slackware. I used to work at Microsoft, on early smart phones, and bounced around the 90′s dot com boom. Now, I am both unrecognizable, and self employed.
Vocations/Labors of Love
I obsessively create artwork, which has been displayed in both the Benaroya and McCaw halls of Seattle. I am a member of The Nonsense Society, an online publication showcasing undiscovered, independent artists.
I accept patronage to support my artwork through Patreon, an awesome new crowdfunding tool somewhat like kickstarter. Here is an example of the type of content those people get to see. (Translation: Please give me a dollar when I make cool shit so I can spend more of my life making cool shit).
Yes, I do commissions!
I served four years as the board president and creative director of Vita Arts, a 501(c)(3) non-profit I co-founded in 2009. Vita is still transforming lives through artistic expression with a new crew at the helm.
I am a recognizable fixture of the Seattle poly/sex positive event scene as a performance director and occasional musician and aerialist for the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture. Also, I like sex. I know — whoa, right.
The Art of Living
When I am at my best, I aim to explore what it is to exist, and I tend to face the experience of living head on, more interested in the truth of life than in comfort.
When I am at my notso best, I aim to explore wanting not to exist, become as small and hidden as I can, engross myself in the offensive, say a bunch of snarky dark shit, and push the people I love away.
I definitely prefer being at my best, and am persistently mastering the art of staying there.
Personal growth is an absolute core element of my survival. I place a lot of effort figuring out what’s really going on below — mostly me, sometimes you. I dig on psychology, and geeking out on sociological trends.
I have frequent moments of pure bonding with people, even strangers and my readers, but choose to have very few truly close personal friends. As such I highly value my acquaintances and extended community of countless social circles who embrace me warmly when I cycle through. If you’re bothering to read this you’re probably one of those exceptional people – Thanks.
I am a vocal advocate for mental health and suicide prevention awareness, and I love supporting artists’ experiential growth in the context of my performance direction, non-profit, and shows.
You’ll also find that I am passionate about sex worker rights and feminism that includes all femininity, not just the type of women whose values you agree with.
I like to cuss, overshare, and tell it like it is. I can be kind and incredibly tactful, however I think incessant politeness is disingenuous and greatly overvalued.
To my recent surprise, I’ve found I am a natural introvert, one with moments of blazing, vibrant extroversion, often focused in my performances.
Tea makes me happy, especially while sipped in a bath, as does the impossibly soft bunnyfur on my awesome chirpy cat. I love the occasional simplicity of a big breath of fresh air. Travel frees my soul, I do it as often as I can and am very fortunate to have friends who support this element of my life. Fall is my favorite season.
I’m perceptive, self-aware, complex, silly, dorky, passionate and intense. I’m also sarcastic, dark, wicked sexy, contrary, and fucking hilarious. People who dislike me probably find me self absorbed, bossy, crude, arrogant, and hypocritical.
I am also excruciatingly sensitive, and I pick up a lot from the world and the people in it. I spend most of my time in denial about that in order to get through the day.
In my ever-present quest to find home, both in myself and in the world, I am currently saving to build a tiny off-grid house on wheels.
Finding me online
I’ve been documenting my existence online since long before companies had urls or people called their online journals “blogs”.
At one time, (1995-2004) this website was called phuqed.org, and I spent most of my time complaining, lashing, and being afraid. I still do that, sometimes, but mostly other stuff, now.
I also ran one of the first webcams on the internet, but you’ve probably never heard of it.
I was resistant for many years to joining any social network in favor of sticking to my own little corner. Over time and cultural shifts I’ve softened that stance, however my social networking tends to fluctuate whereas the existence of this website has remained constant.
These are my current websites:
http://courtneepapastathis.com – Visual Art
http://neevita.net – Main art Site
http://blog.neevita.net – Diary and Art Blog <—– YOU ARE HERE
http://fakehair.net – Wigs and Hair pieces
http://artfultouch.info – My 5-star rated massage practice.
http://notapplicable.org – My music site.
You are more powerful than what was done to you.
I am genetically predisposed to mental illness and addiction, as well as having endured many difficult times in childhood that shaped and sharpened me.
For much of my existence I profoundly identified as *being* the things that happened when I was young, as well the resulting coping behaviors, such as an intensely cruel, suicidal inner voice.
I spent years of my life immobile, isolated, nearly completely detached from my body, poisoning myself to manipulate my natural senses, trying to think and write my psychic torment away.
I conceived myself into an alienated hole of constant failure, anxiety, doubt, fear and impotence. I attempted suicide twice, struggled with excessive and consistent substance abuse, habitual overdosing, and self mutilation.
I identified with mental illness as a permanent sentence that ensured a premature, agonizing death, or worse, living a long life as a medicated vegetable.
I was wrong. Maybe it never all goes away like we hope, but with persistence and cultivated patience, it gets better.
How I continue to heal
- “Control Theory” by William Glasser
- “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle
- “Escaping Emotional Entrapment” - Daniel Rutley
- “The Courage to Trust” – Cynthia L. Wall, LCSW
- “Dark nights of the Soul” – Thomas Moore
These books helped me, undoubtedly. It is important to mention however, that no matter how intelligent and insightful, reading and intellectualizing alone cannot heal deep psychological wounds.
I have learned I must have the courage to interact, to practice, to feel and experience results, in order to break a cycle of mental suffering.
After years of stagnant futile struggle, it was only when I began continuously applying this lesson that my subconscious began healing and my life blossomed.
Here are a few of the impactful experiences I’ve had which have supported me:
- The Landmark Forum. The structure around the excellent education is a cultish and aggressive pyramid scheme. If you can look past that, go for the empowering kick in the ass.
- The Grief Recovery Method. My experience with the book and exercises combined with sessions with a trained counselor continue to help me complete trauma in my life.
- Vipassana Meditation. If you have plateaued in your growth or want to start at the deep end of felt-sense healing, I highly recommend it.
If you wanna talk with me, I can be contacted at email@example.com
Take care of you,