I’m Courtnee. I talk a lot, write a lot, take pictures, screw with computers, and make stuff. I grew up online and at DEFCON. I used to work at Microsoft, worked on early smart phones and bounced around the dot com boom.
Now I am a mostly self-employed artist; As far as making my living, I told The Man to stuff it a long time ago, and have been mapping how I live my life from the ground up for as long as I can remember.
I sell my artwork and do commissions. I sell my music both online and physical CD’s direct from my manufacturer. I teach aerial lessons, specializing in teaching beginners. I massage at my private massage practice in Seattle, and until recently creatively directed the non-profit I co-founded. I am a fixture of the Seattle poly/sex positive scene, mostly as a performer and director.
I aim to explore what it is to exist, and I tend to face the experience of living head on. I am more interested in the truth of life than in comfort.
I focus a lot of effort figuring out what’s really going on below — mostly me, sometimes you. I dig on psychology, geeking out on sociological trends, philosophy and GOOD self-help.
I am an introspective personal growth machine, even if only in background processes. Personal growth is a core element in how I live, as well as being an introvert with moments of blazing, vibrant extroversion, often in my performances.
Because I am rather constantly dissecting myself and pushing myself to do better, sometimes it turns to my detriment. Sometimes I get a little lost up in there. It helps to have my few friends who get that, and know how to throw me a line back.
I’m largely an open book as to situations and thoughts, my squishy, vulnerable trust is hard earned, not freely given. I like to bring people into my life who integrate their uncertainty with a sense of grace and personal responsibility. I find those types of people inspiring in the face of my own weaknesses.
Though I have moments of pure bonding with people, even strangers and my readers, often, I don’t have a lot of close friends.
After realizing that I’d forgotten how to have fun, I am trying really hard to enjoy myself more and reap the benefits of the inner work I’ve already done without picking myself apart all the time. It’s both easier and harder than I expected; Brain re-mapping is a real bitch.
In addition to paying an impressive amount of attention to my own progress, I am highly invested in supporting the growth of others, the theme of which has permeated most aspects of my work in this world.
I support health and body awareness in my massage practice, I am a vocal advocate for mental health and suicide prevention awareness, and I love supporting artists’ growth in the context of my performance direction, non-profit, and shows. You’ll also find that I am passionate about sex worker rights and feminism that includes all femininity, not just the type of women you agree with.
I like to cuss, overshare, and tell it like it is. I can be kind and incredibly tactful, however I think incessant politeness is disingenuous and greatly overvalued. Tea makes me happy, as does the impossibly soft bunnyfur on my awesome chirpy cat, and the occasional simplicity of a big breath of fresh air. Travel frees my soul, I do it as often as I can. Fall is my favorite season.
I’m not a guru or an ecowarrior, but I do my part most of the time. I recycle. I bus, and bike (not like an asshole, mostly). I compost. I dig Trader Joe’s and organic food. I carry a titanium spork in my utility belt.
I’m perceptive, self-aware, complex, silly, dorky, passionate and intense. I’m also sarcastic, dark, wicked sexy and fucking hilarious. People who dislike me probably find me self absorbed, bossy, crude, arrogant, cold and hypocritical.
‘The task of art is to turn tears into knowledge’. – Schopenhauer
I’ve found art and performance to be my main forms of coping, as well as inspiring those around me, and art is a huge part of my existence, seeping into nearly every aspect of my life. Artistically I find that I am a jack of many, many trades.
I have and still utilize the internet to mute my vulnerability and yet still reach for people. I often share myself rather openly on my blog, (particularly my emotional struggles and notable bowel movements) in large part due to the catharsis I have felt as a result of seeking out integrity, to conjure a sense of connection when I tend toward isolation, and because it’s a way I can be who I am and still be out there somehow making a difference for others.
I was resistant for many years to joining any social network in favor of sticking to my own little corner of the internet. Over time and cultural shifts I’ve softened that stance, however my social networking tends to fluctuate whereas the existence of this website has remained constant. In whatever forms, expressing myself online is a way of my life.
These are my current websites:
http://courtneepapastathis.com – Visual Art
http://neevita.net – Main art Site
http://blog.neevita.net – Diary and Art Blog
http://fakehair.net – Wigs and Hair pieces
http://vitaarts.net – Transforming lives through the power of artisitc expression
http://artfultouch.info – My 5-star rated massage practice.
http://notapplicable.org – My music site.
You are more powerful than what was done to you.
At one time, (1995-2004) this website was called phuqed.org, and I spent most of my time complaining, lashing, and being afraid. I have endured many difficult times that have shaped and sharpened who I am today, and I though I have always come out of them swinging and having leveled up a few notches in my evolution, often times when I am in the thick of it I fear for my life. I manage and often struggle with the realities of having a deep connection with the dark and many cruel, suicidal inner voices.
Many of my years were excessively bleak and hopeless feeling, and occasionally some of my days still are. I’ve contemplated and attempted suicide in my past, struggled with substance abuse and manage some severely debilitating emotional tides. You are not alone, and maybe it never goes away, but it gets better, and every time I’ve decided to bare down and hold fast through it, I’ve come out the other side appreciating that I did.
In addition to a couple good therapists over the years, some true friends, consistently seeking hard answers of myself, and a fuckton of writing, here are some books that have helped me through many profound transformations in my life.
“The Grief Recovery Handbook” (combined with a registered counselor) – John W. James & Russell Friedman
“Escaping Emotional Entrapment” – Daniel Rutley
“Dark nights of the Soul” – Thomas Moore
“The Courage to Trust” – Cynthia L. Wall, LCSW
“The Relationship Cure” – John M Gottman, Ph.D.
“Control Theory” – William Glasser
“The Power of Now” – Eckhart Tolle
I also found the Landmark Forum to provide very beneficial information, as well as being a good exercise in patience/withholding judgement. Additionally, figuring more out about food, and finding a way to stay in shape (aerial) were both invaluable changes I made in my life for the better.
If so inclined, I can be contacted at email@example.com
Take care of you,